KISS & TELL

The worst feeling on earth is probably knowing what’s right to do but lack the courage to. I am anxious, I am eagerly anticipating a change and deep down inside, I know what I needed to do. The fear of losing it all seem to be holding me back. I was an ‘all or nothing’ person, perhaps each year I grew older, that part of me dies a little bit. Maybe, maybe if change is difficult, start with the act of improving? Is that procrastination or optimism? If my heart is trying to tell me out so loud, am I right to keep on ignoring it? I’m afraid. I feel vulnerable and powerless. And I don’t like feeling this way.

I read, “if you maintain an illusion, you don’t have to make the hard choices. But if you accept reality, it forces a huge decision and many people want to avoid that”. I do not want to be one of that many people.

January, fast and recast

#1 Did a real count on my age using the calculator and I am in shock to learn that I am in my late 20s. With so many fancy birthday cake candles in the market, I have simply, genuinely lost track with my exact age and is conveniently living in the mid-20s delusion. It is daunting, but also exciting. For myself, the best is yet to come. I believe the current phase of my life is happening for a good reason (I really do hope).

#2 Trim to lean fitness regime never happened. I badly sprained my ankle while I was trying to rush to Pump class after work, when I slipped by the pavement. 10 days later the kitchen knife fell when I was cooking and my same foot was lacerated. Coincidentally, the binge eater came back to greet the stress monster. I know these are just excuses, if I don’t want to end up an obese, I should’ve tried harder to own my mind. 

#3 On that note, my brain is a drama queen of its own. The need to exaggerate the worst of every person/situation is tiring me, but I can’t help it. When I have a certain impression or prejudice against someone/a scene, all I can see is bad intention/consequences. Can I blame myself, entirely? Maybe I need to unwind, maybe I need to not let things beyond my control bothers me, maybe I need a bigger heart. And I should keep my mouth shut when I’m frustrated.

#4 ‘Everyone has their own way of making things work- they can be fast like a ninja or slow like a turtle’. Plainest but the best advice (or reminder), at the most perfect time I’ve received. Talking about people and management skills. Managing a project has certainly help me grow, emotionally and technically. I am empathetic to the weak, and demanding to the strong, obviously with a steer of my prejudice- I need to work on standing at a neutral ground. 

#5 What does a relationship mean at this age? The need to realise that I am no longer a teenager that can just stomp away to find a right man the next minute? Therefore the need to compromise so my love life flow like a river? And therefore walking down the road of marriage and babies which the norm has groomed everyone to live in? I don’t know. The conflicts in my relationship always stem from silly things, but it bothers me badly, which is also part of why #3 exists. And of course, there is so many way to love a person that it confused me. 

#6 Increment :) It felt like an honor that is not exclusive. I clicked refreshed, logged in then logged out of my online banking, and refreshed my screen. It isn’t a lot at all, but it is something. Now I know this is how it feels like. If I remain in the co, will the expectation escalate next year? That’s the thing about human beings, you wanted more once you had a good taste of it.

#7 I found a BCBG handbag that I’ve been eyeing on and sold out everywhere. And this Ebayer from the States won’t sell it to me (yet). Bugger. It would’ve been the first designer bag (really low luxe range) I owned!

#9 Bake? Baking, baked! Who thought I’ll ever get my hands down in the kitchen and start baking? And almost got myself a weekend job as a cake seller in the Farmer’s Market? As a mega multi sweet toother, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done to my craving (but not my body). I’ve baked healthy treats, like soy protein muffins, gluten free banana bread, and nasty guilty ones like lemon curd loaf and of course my fave, red velvet cupcakes. The cake shop dream may be on its way!

#10 Don’t. give. up. hope. I have failed a job assessment with a prestigious company and a position I longed to have, today. After the hundredth time it still makes me cry reading the email. So close, yet so far. But hey, if I give up it means the end. If i don’t, it’s not. A simple math, an easy formula. Move on like a soldier, little miss!

I want to be a wiser,cheery person in Feb, simply because it’s short, and winter’s coming to an end :)

I turned on my laptop and found this note..

You know what?

I love you.

I love you. You’re my little piece of happiness, and even though I don’t always know what to do with happiness, I’ll try to do it with you. Because I love you. You’re not everything for me, because we can’t live with only one thing to fuel us, but you’re definitely one of the people I love most in the world. I love you. I love you for all those little things that only you have. I love you for your smile. I love you when you make faces. I love you when you’re being stupid. I love you for these squeaks you do when I bother you. I love you because you’re the most beautiful. I love you because you’re sweet, you’re nice and gentle. I love you because nobody before you .” I love you because you’re not perfect. You fascinate me, you motivate me, you make me stir and you make me laugh. You’re the best. Even when you’re in a bad mood. Even when you’re sad.

I love you.

Thank you 2012, for making me the woman I am

Dear December,

I cringed as you slowly crept into vision. Setting that festive season that is going to empty my piggy bank aside, you deviously carry to me an empty notepad with a bold ‘reflection for the year’ printed on top. I used to love it but as my age count goes up, I no longer know how to spike it up in the most interesting way for you. Gone were those days where the things that matter are as petty as dressing up, wild nights, meeting new people of your age group where everyone is doing the same thing, counting grades and expecting witty lecturers in the new semester. Life for me has come to this phase where people from the same group has gone everywhere from north to south. Time ticks, every decision I take decides where I am leading myself. And though reversing a decision is not impossible, it always come with a price that you cannot ascertain. If I had to look back and tell you what I’ve achieved this year, dear December, I’m afraid I will let you (and myself) down, but I will try to put them down in the most auspicious way possible.

Looking back, I still am at the same starting point as I was at the beginning of the year. Only difference is, I’ve came a long way to learn that my ability can stretched beyond my know of. It was a year that tested my perseverance and resilience. Though not moving forward, I have not allowed myself to take the easy way out by leaving everything behind. I have surprised myself in a number of circumstances when I thought of what I would’ve done if I was my old self. These change was gradual but impacting. I recognise that with will-power and determination, even the most impossible thing can be made possible. Having said that, failures during the year has led to a lot of internal meditation, where I learned to accept, to let go. Things do not always come my way, even with my ‘best’ effort. An important mantra that repeatedly keeps me from sinking in the thought of self-sympathetic, ”stand back up with only the goods and leave the rest”. And this will continue to be with me.

Looking back, so much changes has occurred in me -Shifting priorities, striking changes in my interests, hobbies and desires and even challenging myself with my used-to perception of things- that I cannot possibly described or detailed, that I am still struggling to figure out if this was a real change or one that is moulded by the circumstances I am currently in. These changes however, has hindered me from making and keeping friends. I have constantly felt the want to be isolated, to stay away from judgement or advice I do not need, and to not explain myself to any single person. If this is a rough patch that I have chose to stay in, I need neither sympathy or awes. I know this needs fixing. 

2013, it’s about changing perspective, re-instilling values; more forgiving, less judgmental; more spontaneity, less procrastination; more adventure-taking, less dreading; more loving, less demanding..

and all the luck in the world to myself to land in that job I so dearly wish for.

Come what may, 2013. I welcome you with an open heart.